So often in marriage counseling clients seem to miss something big. They are often complaining about their spouse or their children or even their boss; in the process of those complaints and negativity, they are missing the focus on themselves. Fixing our problems or emotions is all about oneself. Fix YOU.
WRONG: Complaining About Your Spouse, Kids, or Boss
Sally complains about her husband not helping out enough with the kids. Her boss does not escape her agitation and anger. He is rude, incompetent and won’t give her the time she needs to do her executive job. She also feels guilty about working so much herself and not having enough time for her children. She would do better to focus on herself and look at her own needs and what she can do to bring more peace and fulfillment in her own life.
Brett is tired of taking care of his wife who is always sick. She has chronic pain and several surgeries and can’t join him on weekend hikes. She also is in too much pain to go to the movies, cook dinner or be very interested in sex. He is always attempting to make her feel better and fix her problems. He would do better to focus on himself and look at his own needs and what he can do to bring more peace and fulfillment into his own life. Then put energy into his marriage.
Cici is angry with her husband and his 20 years of control over her life and her sons’. She is ready for divorce and he can’t stop telling everyone what to do. Instead of defending herself and arguing, she would do better to focus on herself, her needs and what will make her feel more peace and fulfillment. And her husband could focus on his goals before everyone else’s and allow for suggestions and choice.
RIGHT: Focus on Your Behavior and Goals
The incorrect and inoperable pattern here is focusing on the other persons’ behavior. When you are in a loving relationship you want to help the other and at the same time, most of us like things to go the way we like them. However, the secret to personal happiness and relationship happiness is to fill you up first. Like the flight attendants tell us on every flight, put your own mask on first, then help others.
When you pay attention to your own needs, desires and goals, you will fulfill a lot of needs and happiness for yourself. Then you have the energy and caring to help others. This idea is not supporting selfishness and ignoring the needs and desires of your loved ones. Instead the suggestion here is to keep your focus on your needs and wants to support you being happy with your own life and goal attainment. Then it is easy to be loving toward others.
What can you do to put your focus on making yourself happier, no matter what your spouse, children or boss are doing? Call me at 702-242-4222 or email me if you want help in creating your own happiness.